Where to Begin?

Like the title says, “Where to begin?” I don’t even know where to start. The last few months have been a wild and crazy adventure. We have had life changing events, and I didn’t know if I should share them or keep them to myself. But my girlfriends were giving me a hard time this week about neglecting my blog (which I never do since it’s my personal journal). So, settle in….this may be the longest post of my blogs life. And, I apologize in advance if there is t.m.i, but like I said, it’s my journal and this post is long overdue.

Back in September we found out I was pregnant. As soon as I took the pregnancy test I knew that something was wrong. I called up to the hospital and they told me to come in and do an HCG test to check things out. I went and had the blood work done and I received a phone call later that afternoon that my HCG levels were at 4000 and that’s exactly where they should be at for being 5 weeks pregnant. They told me not to worry and to come back in 48 hours to retest and see if the numbers continued to double. I went back 2 days later, and sure enough my numbers had dropped which indicated a miscarriage. We were okay with the news. The day I took the pregnancy test was the day I knew something wasn’t right, so we kind of expected it. They told me to continue coming in until my HCG levels dropped back down to 0. Over the next 6 weeks I continued to go in and have my blood drawn, and slowly I would watch the numbers drop, but never to 0. They did an ultrasounds and everything looked perfect. It didn’t make any sense. It was really frustrating to drag out the miscarriage process.

Over Halloween I started feeling really crappy, almost flu like. I started having body aches and chills and I was super tired. My pain got bad enough that it was hard to sit down and feel comfortable. So I called up to the hospital and made an appointment to see what was going on. They decided to start with another ultrasound since my numbers still hadn’t dropped to 0. As we were doing the ultrasound, the ultrasound tech stopped and said, “I need to get your doctor.” That’s never a good thing right? My doctor came in and they just kept staring at the screen saying, “What is it?” All they could tell me was that since the last ultrasound, 3 weeks prior, a large mass had grown inside me. The ultrasound tech kept saying, “I’m so sorry I can’t tell you whether this is cancer or not, only surgery will be able to determine that.” Ummm…did you just say the “C” word, or am I hearing things? I didn’t even know what to think.

I left the ultrasound room and went back into my doctor’s office. My doctor couldn’t tell me anything other than they needed to go in and do surgery to find out what we were dealing with. She said the surgery could be something fixable, it could be something that would result in a hysterectomy, or if it was cancer she would just zip me up and send me to see a specialist down at the University of Utah hospital. She said that there was a specific type of cancer that can happen when you miscarry and your body doesn’t get rid of everything. Your body takes what’s left over and it can create a specific type of pregnancy cancer. Because it’s so rare she had to leave the room and consult with the other doctors to find out what pre-cancer blood work they needed to get from me. When she left the room, I just remember looking up at the picture on her wall of her 2 little girls (who are just a few years older than my little girls), and I just started crying. How was it possible to go from being pregnant 6 weeks ago to talking about possibly having cancer? Being all alone in the room, my mind started racing and I felt really overwhelmed with “what if’s.” I called Chris and told him what was going on, and of course how do you break the news to your spouse about what‘s going on? Thank goodness my husband is the most calm person ever-he always helps me calm down.

I left the hospital and went home. After I got home and gave Chris the longest hug ever-he had to go back to work and Isa went to preschool and I put Eva down for a nap. I sat down on the couch and thought about everything, it was a lot to take in! As I sat on the couch I had the most peaceful feeling come over me. It was like Heavenly Father was there telling me that everything was going to be okay, and I felt so at peace. I didn’t even think about it or worry about it over the next 5 days.

Wednesday 11/9 , I woke up, hopped in the shower, put on some comfy clothes and Chris and I headed up to the hospital. We checked in and I was taken back to my pre-op room and got dressed and got my IV’s in. My nerves were calm, I felt like Heavenly Father was next to me the entire time. The only time
I felt a little nervous was when I told Chris good-bye and they wheeled me off to the op room and I had to move from the nice bed to the steel operating table. The room was so cold and the table was so cold, and I only had a little gown on. Then the anticipation of waiting for the doctor to put the needle in my lower back about gave me an anxiety attack. But after that I just remember putting on my oxygen mask and then waking up in the post op room. I was soooo tired and out of it but I remember being determined to be conscious enough to find out what they had found. I saw a blurry person walk towards me and I could hear my doctor’s voice. I just remember her words, “We had to do a hysterectomy.” I know she said more, but that’s all my mind caught because I was so out of it. Weirdly enough, I knew those were the words I was going to hear, and I felt 100% prepared for it.

After an hour in recovery, I was wheeled up to my hospital room where Chris was waiting for me. I was so happy to see his face! We talked about what had taken place and he showed me all the pictures they took, don’t worry I won’t post them they are way too graphic, lol! He asked me if I was okay with it, and weirdly enough I was so at peace with it. I didn’t cry or think twice about it. I truly felt like Heavenly Father had a hand in this whole thing, and this is what was best for me. I stayed in the hospital for a few days and I had a lot of time to just look out the window and think about everything. I think the nurses all thought something was wrong with me because I wasn’t devastated over all this. But, all I could keep thinking was, “Good grief, why should I feel sorry for myself. I have 2 beautiful little girls! I’m really blessed!”

I got home on Friday the 11^th and as soon as I got home I got a phone call from my doctor that they had received the results from the pathologist. The mass they had found was an ectopic pregnancy. Not, a normal one, it was half way in the ovary and half way in the uterus and it was starting to hemorrhage. My doctor said they had only seen this one other time, and they told me that I am so lucky that it didn’t completely hemorrhage because I could have bled to death.

It was after I was released from the hospital that I learned why this was something necessary for me to go through. I have never felt my Heavenly Father’s love for me more in my life than at this moment. If I wouldn’t have gone through this, I wouldn’t have learned this. The doctors told me it would be a 4-6 week recovery from the surgery. Some days, because of the service of so many people, I would just get teary eyed because the feeling of love was so overwhelming. I know that probably sounds weird. But, for a week I honestly couldn’t do anything on my own. It hurt to get out of bed. My incision was a large incision across my belly, they took everything and they repaired a lot of the other problems from scar tissue from my previous surgeries. It was a painful and hard recovery. I relied on so many people to take care of me-and my family and friends went above and beyond to make sure Chris, the girls and I was taken care of. My mom flew in while I was in the hospital and to take care of me for a few days and my dad flew in a few days before Thanksgiving to help me with the kids and help me prep for Thanksgiving since my parents were coming here this year for Thanksgiving. He took me and the girls grocery shopping since I couldn’t lift the girls or even push a cart. We made homemade rolls and salads the day before and had so much fun. My mom flew in the night before and when I woke up Thanksgiving morning, I went into the bathroom and cried-I was so overwhelmed with gratitude.

It was a Thanksgiving to remember. I haven’t had a Thanksgiving with my family in 5 years since they moved to South Dakota. And, with all the help from my parents over the last couple prior weeks, and Chris’s family and my friends and ward members-I truly was “Thankful” for a million things.

Well it’s been 5 weeks since my surgery and I am feeling awesome. I still get a little sore if I overdo it, but I feel like a million bucks. I have a bunch of pictures to post to my blog, but I think I will do it on another post. This was one long winded post. But I do want to tell my family and friends how much I love all of you. Thank you for all the e-mails, texts, phone calls, meals, visits, gifts…the list goes on. I am truly one lucky gal. xoxo